21
MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH
Our band of adventurers
into the happy swamps
of alcohol abuse
decided on a couple
in the Tivoli Tavern
last Saturday
as swarms of more aggressive drinkers
passed the pub by without it registering
probably not enough chrome & halogen
to meet their big night out needs
inside most of the clientele were focusing
on the small tv bolted to one wall
showing not MTV or VH1
but Jaws 2
the sign behind the chipped wooden bar
read
People using the CUNT word
will be forced to put £1 in the box
for the Children's Hospice
the carpet and the wallpaper had seen better days
like all of us
but the Tiv is still a pub
as I like to remember them
warm and worn
tired but timeless
nothing has touched the place
forever
except the smoking ban
which the landlord has circumvented
by opening up the yard at the back
and throwing a few benches in
beer garden is stretching the definition
as you can only get there
through the gents toilet
and we sat there smoking and drinking our pints
as only the flimsy gate at the back
prevented our bloody deaths at the hands
of a monster canine
and a good night
was had by all
except the dog
and the shark
who knows about
the hospice
I heard there are plans
to pump sweet smells into pubs
to disguise the smell of stale beer
and desperate humanity
soon
there will be nothing
worth going to the pub for
at all
Miles J. Bell, like most people, is so ridiculous
it would be impossible to invent him. He lives in
the embrace of refineries and shipyards in a corner
of the UK. He likes lentils and cous-cous but is by
no means a vegetarian.
