8
Dressing up as Ronald McDonald and showing people my genitals
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So I dressed up like Ronald McDonald yesterday, full clown makeup and everything,
and went around my apartment building knocking on doors and pulling out my penis and waving it around and singing Christmas Carols to the people who’d answer the door.
This obviously elicited a wide variety of reactions…
After that, I broke into my friend’s houseboat, removed his milk from the refrigerator, and put it out into the humid air for about an hour, just enough time for it to spoil, and then placed it inconspicuously back into the fridge.
Tomorrow morning when he eats cereal it’s going to taste really bad.
Later on that evening I went to a party, still dressed like Ronald McDonald, and went creeping up behind people and lightly brushing against their asses with my index finger. Not strongly, and not to the point where they felt as though they’d been goosed, but to the point in which they questioned the possibility of whether or not their buttocks had been violated and obviously this made them uncomfortable and the rest of the night they looked at me strangely, probably thinking, "did that guy touch my ass? "
After the party, I ran into a fancy French restaurant, jumped up and took a shit on a snobby rich couple’s table and subsequently demanded they order the escargot.
They didn’t appear to appreciate my dining suggestions very much.
Upon witnessing my defecation, several waiters named Pierre began to pull live frogs from their pockets and throw them in my direction, so I did somersaults out of the restaurant, flagged down a horse-mounted traffic cop and confessed to him that I’d been masturbating in handicapped bathrooms and that I felt really bad about it because, like, what if the handicapped people need to masturbate too?
Then I pulled him down by his leg off the animal and horsejacked his ass and rode the horse through the breakdown lane of the highway all the way home, yelling "fuck you, bitch! " at every car I saw.
When I got home, a German stripper called Brunhilda, who I have random sexual encounters with, came by my apartment unannounced at 4 in the morning. Usually I insert my penis into her vagina, mouth, or anus, and ejaculate into it, often prematurely, but tonight she pulled me by my genitals into the bathroom and demanded I urinate on her, which I did, and I must admit to enjoying this urination far more than when I urinate into toilets or off my balcony or out of a helicopter window.
After emptying my bladder on her face, we sat in the bathtub and talked about how weird it is when someone you’ve known for a long time has a mustache or a beard and then they shave it off and they look like a totally different person and it’s like you don’t even know them at all.
Brunhilda asked me to sext-message her a picture of my penis, which I tried to do, but I accidently sent the pic to my grandma.
Yup, Christmas dinner this year is gonna be really interesting.
I think I’ll go dressed as Ronald McDonald.
Newamba Flamingo used to walk an imaginary cat on a leash, but it got abducted by aliens. He hopes the tin foil hat he now wears will scare the aliens away, though his psychiatrist doesn’t think so and is constantly asking him to take it off.
